The Pure Ad

Bloggers get paid for attaching irritating little flashing banners to their pages. They get Paid for transforming the Web into a network of flashing little spam that jump onto your face and make you reach out for your non-Existent virtual pesticide. Well I am Existence, so I can conjure one to exist at will: A modest fee of $1000 per visitor for entering a blog that does Not show any ads. You can start supporting this Noble cause immediately: Just ask for my Paypal details (Yes, of course Existence has Paypal - how else would he be able to receive ritualistic Sacrifices? Through some bloody altar? Think again.) I will be happy to assist you with your much-appreciated work for the Common Good.

For demonstrative purposes, fear not. Open your eyes and glance at this magnificent Pure(TM) ad:









Isn't it just breath-takingly beautiful? It used to make me a lot of money. The trouble is, that the money is invisible. But that's the price one has to pay for making an invisible ad. Or is it?

Rumours have been circling the Web that a kid made a million dollars by simply stating arrogantly that he needs a million dollars. For college fees. Hmmmm... I wonder where that college is: In Pluto, perhaps? Expensive fuel and so on...

Not only was this an obvious scam, but he actually sold Pixels at 1 dollar each. You know, the smallest visible unit on your screen! And how does this differ from my invisible ad? Well, it doesn't. In fact, many of the pixels in my ad have a special, secret meaning - they're just in black. Tough luck, aye?

Ok, so this moron had an utterly idiotic idea. It was bound to fail - c'mon, telling someone you're ripping them off hardly makes your scam less of a ripoff! It Was an idiotic idea. Unfortunately the PR managers of the companies who gave him a million dollars were trained at a facility featuring men wearing white coats. So now we have a moron awarded with a million dollars for a selfish publicity/money-hunt. We also have reports stating that pixel advertising didn't pay off after all. Doh! I wonder how much money was spent in researching that tautology.

Instead of idolising the Selfish Capitalist Hauling of Money, about a million people starving around the Multiverse could have been saved for an entire day. Just think about that! Now that this Jackass has wasted his Poor idea on his own arrogant belly, nobody will be scammed again. That is, no food for Africans tomorrow, either. Thanks a lot for this atrocity, poophead.

Crisis on the Horizon

BBC, the Banal Bastards Corporation, has released the following piece of filth on their website:
Reader discretion advised

How dare they talk about this tragic business as if it were a mere nuisance! Notice the quotation marks in the title 'confirm'. They clearly have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

How can we stay oblivious to this crisis that is slowly engulfing the entire (un)civilised Multiverse!

One aspect has been completely forgotten from the Bird Flew - phenomenon. That is, the Birds - all those poor creatures, who have been unjustly sentenced to unnecessary death. Have the birds intentionally set out to harm us? No. Have they calmly accepted that their purpose in life is to end up in our spit-gaping jaws? Yes. And now we are vile enough to take away their only Meaning of Life, (27), simple to satisfy our purely selfish considerations.

What is more, Iraq is a country of vicious barbarian terrorists, who resist Freedom at all costs. Our American soulmates set out to a Noble mission: to Free these primitives from their Unnatural, Life-destroying ways. To protect Existence itself. And now the Existence of these helpless Birds is ruthlessly undermined. We can but ask ourselves: Are the lives of these birds less valuable than those of the Barbarians?

Birds have given Man a great deal. Without Birds, there would be no spectacular films like 'One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest', 'Duck Spoof' or 'To Cull a Mocking Bird'. Let's face it, without Birds, no-one would even have thought of inventing an airplane! How would you escape H5N1 to the North Pole without an airplane? Everyone knows ships can't sail through ice... doh.

I reach out to all you Morally Righteous Souls: Save the Birds! Do all that you must. Be brave and May the Farce be With You...

(If you are unsure of how you can contribute, just dress yourself into a Chicken suit, trod along streets and Scream as hard as you can cackle: 'Medical care for the H5N1-infected Birds!!!' This should get your voice noticed. Difficult times call for drastic measures.)

Presidential Erections

Tonight, 3.5 million citizens from the North Pole, also known as Finn-land, glued their blue eyes to the TV to witness how poll results realised themselves as The Official Result. For 3 hours, they watched a Red Haired Lesbian Conan-lookalike and An Ugly Cold Businessman battle for ultimate Symbolic leadership of the North Pole. Big Egos, Empty Words and Pointless Campaigns to Lure Polar Bears to tap dance in Igloos for TV ads. If you don't believe it, just ask a Finn about Myths concerning the Ultra-Right-Wing Working Class.

For 3 hours, the result was Clear, and for 3 hours they all assured that it was too early to draw conclusions. The winners said the erection was a Symbol of Universal Adoration towards Democracy. The losers said they actually won: Apparently people just don't know how to look at things the Right way round. Others say Left is Right. Right?

The only charisma Finns can produce is Ski Hop: men push feet against sliding sticks, before falling helplessly to the ground. Winners have the happy facial expressions resemblant of participants in the national Lemon Sucking competition. The joy, the passion!

The Meaning of Life

Before one begins to justify the creation of yet another addition to the vast army of utterly useless blogs, there are more important questions to answer.

Most importantly, of course, we need to ask: 'What is the meaning of Life?'

Namely, is it 42? Now what on Earth is that supposed to mean? I am probably not alone in my opinion that 42 as an answer to the deepest question in the Multiverse is deeply unsatisfying. Not just unsatisfying, it is plain ridiculous! A phrase drooled mindlessly upon by fans of a childish fairy tale with aliens and ... more aliens. Seriously!

The meaning of Life, then, is naturally 27. That's right, 27. My date of birth. Because this is the date upon which Existence itself was created. It is not debatable - to argue something else would be irrational, since you can't prove that something existed before Existence existed.

You disagree? Your mama's photo album has pictures of events that occured long before my birth? Nonsense. My imagination put them there - it was I who created all of those events before I had even thought of them. I am Existence.