Drag-on Pain
Dear Loyal Worshippers of Existence,
You may have wondered what I've been up to for the last month. Well haven't we all heard about that Fairy Tale starring the bearded weirdo who fiddled around with his legos for 6 days and decided to get sleep on the seventh? Well in all Honesty, creativity is exhausting, and Time is non-Existent, so no harm done in having a slight break, eh? And the only thing to talk about all month anyway was some idiotic and disturbing cartoon campaign -- and I didn't dare mention that in case I'd unintentionally hurt the feelings of this poor terrorist called Mohammad.
Which naturally brings us to the next theme: Drag-on Pain . Unless you have spent your pathetic life skipping around in a swampy forest dressed up in a self-knit clown outfit, you might not know about the so-called Role Play: a subfield of Satanism. And no, Role Play doesn't bring about the joy of exciting and mouth-watering entertainment such as ritualistic Sacrifices -- instead it is confined to playing around with toys by adults whose mental age is dragging behind their physical age. A few Light Years behind, to be non-exact.
So what is Drag-on Pain, apart from what it obviously sounds like? Well the Idea is that lunatic asylumns from all around the Multiverse will release their inhabitants to skip around a swampy forest dressed up in a self-knit clown outfit. For one week in July, non-stop! Isn't it a cunning coincidence that these weirdos also decided to lay their legos to rest only on the seventh day?
Although it is based on a psychiatric therapy guide by some guy called Mike Pohjola from the North Pole, and most organisers are also from the North Pole, the event will actually take place to the West, in the Fake North Pole. You know, that's the place with a Fake Father Christmas, and Fake Santa's Little Helpers singing Fake Christmas Songs in Fake North Polish.
So basically the mental health institutions of the North Pole are spending millions of euros to sponsor the banishing of Satanists to the dearly hated Fake North Pole, and to build some very elaborate mechanical Lego Drag-ons for the occasion. This instead of helping out the millions of starving children in Africa! Thousands of half-man-hours to build some elaborate over-hyped lego beast! Someone really does need a break - behind locked doors, Ideally...
In the therapy session, all participants must pretend that they are not themselves, but cave men from some earlier Era (comes naturally). This Pretence is Sacred and must not be broken - once you switch from Real Mode to Drag-on Mode, it is final and absolute. So if there is need for a deadly magical beast to burn the opposition, one has to conjure an authentic cell phone from the Neolithic Era and call the acne-faced nerds operating inside the mechanical Drag-on to assist in the fry. If one is in the middle of a Pretence-fight to Death, and faces a sudden Emergency, our brave warrior can but sprint behind a distant bush and clean his backside with some authentic Neolithic grass and twigs. But if one is unlucky enough to be in possession of a Drag-on Mode Character that (by description) never gives up a fight, (s)he is obliged to decorate the self-knit clown outfit with some fine new aromas instead.
There are three character types: Bitches, Cinderellas and Drag-on Timers. Cinderellas are ancient hippies constantly high, Bitches are persecuted beast-people, and Drag-on Timers are just plainly arrogant and uninteresting warmongers.
The Drag-on Pain website is informative indeed: it is specified that sexual intercourse is discouraged in the Drag-on mode, but 'can't be avoided'. Therefore the suggested guideline is to momentarily switch to Real Mode (by the keyword XX) to express consent or rejection, and then switch back to Drag-on Mode to ensure an Authentic Neolithic f**k.
Here is an extract from the script:
Male Cinderella: Oy, fair Bitch, wanteth thee sexual intercourse in the Authentic Neolithic manner?
Bitch: Waiteth. I needeth to snap out of meself, dear persecutor. XX.
Female nerd acting as Bitch: I reject. XX-over.
Male Cinderella: May the Drag-on roast thee, my unwilling bride...
Bitch: Where puteth I all those magical lightning bolts. Must call the Drag-on technical team with an Authentic Neolithic cell phone to bring me an Authentic Neolithic flame thrower.
***
I wonder why no-one has thought of publishing a computer program to serve this Noble therapeutical purpose of Satanistic Role Play. It might save us (and the African children) a great deal of Authentic Neolithic Cash.
You may have wondered what I've been up to for the last month. Well haven't we all heard about that Fairy Tale starring the bearded weirdo who fiddled around with his legos for 6 days and decided to get sleep on the seventh? Well in all Honesty, creativity is exhausting, and Time is non-Existent, so no harm done in having a slight break, eh? And the only thing to talk about all month anyway was some idiotic and disturbing cartoon campaign -- and I didn't dare mention that in case I'd unintentionally hurt the feelings of this poor terrorist called Mohammad.
Which naturally brings us to the next theme: Drag-on Pain . Unless you have spent your pathetic life skipping around in a swampy forest dressed up in a self-knit clown outfit, you might not know about the so-called Role Play: a subfield of Satanism. And no, Role Play doesn't bring about the joy of exciting and mouth-watering entertainment such as ritualistic Sacrifices -- instead it is confined to playing around with toys by adults whose mental age is dragging behind their physical age. A few Light Years behind, to be non-exact.
So what is Drag-on Pain, apart from what it obviously sounds like? Well the Idea is that lunatic asylumns from all around the Multiverse will release their inhabitants to skip around a swampy forest dressed up in a self-knit clown outfit. For one week in July, non-stop! Isn't it a cunning coincidence that these weirdos also decided to lay their legos to rest only on the seventh day?
Although it is based on a psychiatric therapy guide by some guy called Mike Pohjola from the North Pole, and most organisers are also from the North Pole, the event will actually take place to the West, in the Fake North Pole. You know, that's the place with a Fake Father Christmas, and Fake Santa's Little Helpers singing Fake Christmas Songs in Fake North Polish.
So basically the mental health institutions of the North Pole are spending millions of euros to sponsor the banishing of Satanists to the dearly hated Fake North Pole, and to build some very elaborate mechanical Lego Drag-ons for the occasion. This instead of helping out the millions of starving children in Africa! Thousands of half-man-hours to build some elaborate over-hyped lego beast! Someone really does need a break - behind locked doors, Ideally...
In the therapy session, all participants must pretend that they are not themselves, but cave men from some earlier Era (comes naturally). This Pretence is Sacred and must not be broken - once you switch from Real Mode to Drag-on Mode, it is final and absolute. So if there is need for a deadly magical beast to burn the opposition, one has to conjure an authentic cell phone from the Neolithic Era and call the acne-faced nerds operating inside the mechanical Drag-on to assist in the fry. If one is in the middle of a Pretence-fight to Death, and faces a sudden Emergency, our brave warrior can but sprint behind a distant bush and clean his backside with some authentic Neolithic grass and twigs. But if one is unlucky enough to be in possession of a Drag-on Mode Character that (by description) never gives up a fight, (s)he is obliged to decorate the self-knit clown outfit with some fine new aromas instead.
There are three character types: Bitches, Cinderellas and Drag-on Timers. Cinderellas are ancient hippies constantly high, Bitches are persecuted beast-people, and Drag-on Timers are just plainly arrogant and uninteresting warmongers.
The Drag-on Pain website is informative indeed: it is specified that sexual intercourse is discouraged in the Drag-on mode, but 'can't be avoided'. Therefore the suggested guideline is to momentarily switch to Real Mode (by the keyword XX) to express consent or rejection, and then switch back to Drag-on Mode to ensure an Authentic Neolithic f**k.
Here is an extract from the script:
Male Cinderella: Oy, fair Bitch, wanteth thee sexual intercourse in the Authentic Neolithic manner?
Bitch: Waiteth. I needeth to snap out of meself, dear persecutor. XX.
Female nerd acting as Bitch: I reject. XX-over.
Male Cinderella: May the Drag-on roast thee, my unwilling bride...
Bitch: Where puteth I all those magical lightning bolts. Must call the Drag-on technical team with an Authentic Neolithic cell phone to bring me an Authentic Neolithic flame thrower.
***
I wonder why no-one has thought of publishing a computer program to serve this Noble therapeutical purpose of Satanistic Role Play. It might save us (and the African children) a great deal of Authentic Neolithic Cash.
posted by nkorppi at 18:28
1 comments
